From: johnsd2@jec313.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 9
Date: 9 Mar 1994 18:20:07 GMT


Here's the next chapter. Hope you like it; this one can be understood
without prior knowledge of Star Wars, Smurfs, or anything. It is a bit
sparse though.

Here it is:

              Chapter 9     Opiate of the Masses

[Fade in to a Heavenly Residential District. We see Clark Davis
Adams and an angel, walking out of a bar together.]

Clark Adams: "Yeah, I suppose the view is nice, but I don't like
the neighbors. You'd need privacy fences all around to keep
the fundies out around here. It's not *that* bad where I come
from.."

Angel:
"Where is that, anyway?"

Clark Adams:
"Mississippi; 'course I'd rather go back to Atlanta..."

Angel:
"What's the difference?"

Clark Adams: "Err.. Um... gee..." [scratches head in puzzlement]

Angel: "Lost your famed quick and sardonic wit, Clark?"

Clark Adams: "Yes, that must be it. It always *was*
too quick for it's own good. C'mon, let's go! It can't have
gone far!"

[Angel and Adams charge off down the street]

Angel: "Look! There it goes.. into that building!"

Adams: "Quick! Catch it before it puns again!"

[Angel and Adams charge into building, only to notice
minutes later that it is occupied. There's a large crown of angels
here, and a big banner reads "Angels Anonymous- All Are Welcome!"
One of the Angels is standing and speaking.]

Angel #1:
"And then she said it... 'I'm Susanne Howards'.. and I knew
what I had done... I'd <sob> coveted my neighbor's cousin's
roommate's sister's uncle's ex-wife!"

[Everyone tries not to look sanctimonious, and fails miserably]

[Angel #1 sits. While Adams and the Unenumerated Angel search
in the background, Angel #2 stands;]

Angel #2:
"The other day.. I.. I.. wished I could see my brother again!"

[The other Angels look confused]

Angel #16: "Yes. Well.."

Angel #2: "No! You don't understand.. he didn't repent
that one last time. He.. didn't make it.."

Angels:
"gasp!"

Angel #3: "Just put it out of your mind... you can do it.."

[Camera focuses on Adams and the Unenumerated One]

[Adams grabs a small green blob and shoves it into his pocket]

Adams: "Got it! Whew; thought I'd never get it back."

Angel: "Well, then, now you can tell me. Why would you
rather live in Atlanta than Mississippi?"

[At this point the entire congregation of Angels is watching]

Adams: [thinks]
"Ah.. er.. I know! Atlanta is closer to the A.A. Meet 'n' Greet Party!"

[The Angels all stare blankly]

Angel #33: "Pardon me.. but who the... err.. who are you?"

Adams:
"I am Clark Adams.. real estate appraiser by day... but"
[trumpets blare] "college student by night!"

Angel #22: "Isn't that blob supposed to make him funny?"

Angel #62: "Are you sure you have it plugged in?"

Adams: [Takes out green blob and fiddles with it]
"Yeah.. yeah... oh I see. I have it set to 'untimely
revelations' rather that 'humorous comebacks'."
[He tweaks part of the blob] "There! Much better!"

Angel #7: "Good. We wouldn't want to hear any forbidden knowledge,
now would we?"

Adams: "Wouldn't you?"

Angel #7: "Well, I suppose *WE* would, that's why we're in Angels
Anonymous! But that's not the point."

Adams:
"Angels Anonymous? Do tell, do tell..."

Angel #8:
"It's just a support group from that part of the angel population
that isn't entirely comfortable leading a perfectly virtuous life."

Adams: "Ah.."

Angel #8:
"That is to say, everyone. I mean, who would have guessed that up
here you actually *HAVE* to love thy neighbor, and put no God's
before Him, and never think bad thoughts and all that stuff."

Angel #20:
"#8! You are thinking rebellious thoughts! Bad!"

Adams: [Suddenly cluing in]
"Bad? No!" [Puts his wit back in his pocket]

[Adams steps behind a podium that nobody noticed was there before]

Adams: "Friends, Heavenites, Dead Folk, Lend me your ears! I
come not to praise God, but to make fun of him! The evil that
Gods do live on after them, but the good is oft' entirely
nonexistant! Why should you have to censure your thoughts, and
abide every repression! Stand up for your rights! You have
nothing to lose but your virtue, and that's tax deductible!"

Angel #2:
"Repressions? I dunno. It's pretty nice here, really..."

Adams: "Oh, then why do you sit around all day playing
harp music? Call that afterlife satisfaction, 'cuz I don't!"

Angel #14:
"Now that you mention it, it is getting kinda boring.."

Adams: "You deserve better! Oboes, at least! Don't just sit
there! March on the Throne of God, and you show him the
meaning of 'democracy'!"

Angel #17: "With big, sharp, pointy, teeth!"

Adams: "Er.. well.. maybe not that. C'mon."

[Cut to exterior of the building. Angels begin pouring out,
and Clark Adams is among them]

Angels: [Yelling]
"More Instruments! Harps are for Harpies!"

Adams: "Remember Bob Beauchaine!"

Angels: [stopping]
"Bob Beauchaine? Who's that?"

Bob Beauchaine:
[running up the street from the direction of the Gates]
"Me! MEEEE!"

Adams: <shrugs>
"Remember Bob *Lang*!"

Angels: 
"Who is that, then?"

Adams: "I dunno."
Bob Beauchaine: [running up the the throng]
"Me neither. Sounds Good. Remember Bob Lang! Remember Bob Lang!"

Angels: [Finally getting into the swing of it]
"Remember Bob Lang! Harps are for Harpies! Angels Forever! Down
with God! A Tuba in every Pot!"

[And they march off for the Throne, with angels on the
street joining the throng. Fade out.]