From: johnsd2@jec311.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates Ch 8
Date: 9 Mar 1994 01:41:51 GMT


Here's Chapter 8. Don't forget to let me know what you think! 1/2 :)

              Chapter 8     Time Well Spent

[Fade in, Arturo Magidin hanging onto a wall, reading a book. There is,
if you'll recall, somebody up on top of the wall who dropped it on him.]

[However, we chose this particular moment to drop in on Magidin 'cuz..]

Magidin: [closes book]
"I'm done! Very interesting, I'll write up my critique later if you
don't mind!" [Throws book back up towards top of wall.]

Voice from Above:
"Here! Have another!" [a smaller book drops, and Magidin catches it]

Voice from Above:
"It's Anselm's Proslogian, Enjoy!"

Magidin:
"Scum! I'll teach you to drop propaganda on me!"

[Magidin then climbs back down to the bottom, where the rest
of the main force is waiting for him to stop being silly.]

Magidin: "Hey, guys, I need quick refutation of Anselm's
Proslogian...?"

[The Guys look sternly at him]

Magidin: "Uh guys... Guys?"

Dan Johnson:
"Well, you can reductio it by.."

Geoff Arnold: "No! No! Wrong! Bad, Bad! Let's *GO*!"

[The entire troop marches off, dragging Johnson and Magidin
along, still chatting about Anselm's Ontological Argument]

[Cut to the Swamp again, where we see Scott Sauyett trudging
through knee deep sloodge, and other viler things. It is,
strangely, getting dark.]

Sauyet: "Hmm. How strange; it's getting dark. I wonder what it means."

Dark Robed Figure: "It means the duck is getting cold, misguided one."

Sauyet: "Huh? What?"

Dark Robed Figure: "The duck is getting cold, and you must attend to it,
or turn green with yellow polka-dots!"

Sauyet: [cowers in awe] "Who are you!"

D.R.F.: [looking at Sauyet for the first time]
"I am your worst nightmare! I am Darth Publius, et al!"

Sauyet: "et al?"

[Darth Publius does nothing, but a spotlight comes on,
and we see Bobby Mozumder, Ifran Alan, and a horde
of lesser Kalkii in suspended animation.]

Sauyet: "No!"

Darth Publius: "Of course, you may wish to discuss this.."

Sauyet: "Yes!"

Darth Publius: "but I have no intention of inflating your ego for you!"

Sauyet: "Damn." [backs away nervously]

Darth Publius: "Behold! I will show you the way!"

Sauyet: "Not you *TOO*!"

Darth Publius: "As we all know, a father is a person wearing
your name on his dogtags!"

[There's a flash of light, and suddenly Publius is wearing Dog-Tags.
 He holds them up. And we zoom in; "Scott Sauyet" is written on them.]

Sauyet: [horrified]
"No! My father was Good and Pure and Never Believed in Santa Clause!"

Darth Publius: "No, Scott, *I* am your father!"

Sauyet: "I will never believer that YOU are my father! Never!"

Darth Publius: "Search your feelings, Scott, you *know* it to be true!"

[At that, Sauyet turns and bolts.]

Darth Publius: [muses]
"The Script is strong in this one."

[Cut back to Stowell's tent. Sauyet is gnawing at a granola bar.
Stowell is looking at him disapprovingly]

Sauyet: "I.. I just had to get out of there. I couldn't cope."

Stowell: "Hear you nothing that I say?" [takes out spatula]
"Bad!" <smack> "Bad!" <smack> "No disobey" <smack> "No
charge out to meet destiny unprepared" <smack> "Get it?"

Sauyet: [rubs head]
"Ow. Yeah. But.. one thing.. *IS* Darth Publius my father?"

Stowell: [sighs, puts spatula away, sits]
"Your father.. he is."

Sauyet: "What!"

Stowell:
"Seduced by the Dark Side of the Script he was! On that day,
ceased he did to be Melvin Sauyet, and Darth Publius he became!"

Sauyet: "My father isn't named Melvin Sauyet!"

Stowell:
"Oh. Then forget it. Bad call."

Sauyet: "But how do I deal with him? I have to get out of here.."

Stowell: "Dominate the scene you must! Do things! Say things!
Control the plot he must not! Funnier you must be! Deliver the
punchline he must not!"

Sauyet: "Sounds easy enough.."

Stowell: "Do not underestimate the humor of the dark side,
or suffer Melvin's fate you will!"

Sauyet: "Dark side?"

Stowell: "One-liners.. slapstick.. plagarism...
the Dark Side of the Script are they! Be warned!
Once you turn down the dark path, forever will it
dominate your plotline!"

Sauyet: "*IS* the Dark Side funnier?"

Stowell: "No! Quicker, easier, more marketable..."

Sauyet: "Well, I'll try.."

Stowell: "No! Do.. or do not. There is no try. Well, on alternate
thursday's there's a try, but second level grandmaster comics
and above only allowed are. Not you!"

Sauyet: [Looks baffled]
"You know, I think..."

Stowell: [interrupting]
"*That* is why you fail!"

Sauyet: [with determination this time]
"I *THINK* this may be pointless. I mean, you said if I left,
I'd destroy all for which my buddies fought and suffered, right?"

Stowell: "Right! And wrong. Mostly wrong."

Sauyet: "Huh?"

Stowell: "Lieing, I was. Wanted you to stay."

Sauyet: "Well, perhaps many of the truths we cling to
depend greatly on our point of view, eh?"

Stowell: "Nope. Lieing, I was."

Sauyet: [put aback]
"Well, let's get back to the training, eh?"

Stowell: "No more training do you require. Already know
you that which you need."

Sauyet: "Then I am a comic!"

Stowell: "No! One thing remains. You must confront Publius!
Then.. only then.. a true comic will you be."

[Stowell suddenly starts lurching around, clutching at his
heart]

Sauyet: "Was it something I said?"

Stowell: "Quick... in closet... black... robe... looks spiffy...
your size... take it... and..." [collapses in a heap on the floor]

Sauyet: "Well, you didn't have to be so melodramatic about it."

[Sauyet opens the closet and takes out the black robe, which does
indeed fit him. Then, to show his respects for Stowell, he carefully
steps over the body and walks out into the deepening gloom.]

[Cut to swamp area with Darth Publius waiting for Sauyet
to return. Sauyet, unsurprisingly, returns.]

Darth Publius: "So you have returned! Just as I thought!"

Sauyet: "You did? Thought? Amazing!" [applauds]

Darth Publius: "Truely, your antics are insignificant,
yet they bear on my Great Quest!"

Sauyet: "The one with the grapefruit or the one with the
prune?"

Darth Publius: "We all know the evil atheist conspiracy is
undermining this great heaven!"

Sauyet: "Yes. Could really use it too, I mean, at least we know
how to drain a swamp here and there..."

Darth Publius: "The pig-farmers are revolting! Chose which side
you'll take wisely..."

Sauyet: "I dunno, which side would you take.."

[Suddenly a pig-farmer appears in mid-air, rotating slowly]

Sauyet: "Now the back has is fairly clean, but of course there's
a lot of it. The bottom is much messier... and we have to consider
the pigs too.."

[A pig appears beside him, rotating likewise.]

Sauyet: "Now which do you prefer, the back or.. Publius? 
Publius? Where are you?"

[But Publius is nowhere to be seen.]

Sauyet: "I suppose he's had enough."

[Sauyet walks away and we fade out.]