From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 7
Date: 7 Mar 1994 02:43:19 GMT


Here's the next chapter, which worked out better than the last.
Alas, much coolness was left out because I couldn't get the plot
to accomodate it and the funnier stuff I left in.

                 Chapter 7     The Hunting of the Smurf

[Fade in the The Wall, 300 feet tall and 10 feet wide. Arturo Magidin
is almost halfway up; the main force below is yelling at him to
come down. He keeps climbing until a book falls right past him..]

Magidin: [surprised]
"Hey! What was that!"

Voice from Above:
"What! What was that?"

Magidin:
"I SAID, WHAT WAS THAT THAT FELL!"

Voice from Above:
"Weighty Tomes! That was the collected works
of Thomas Aquinas!"

Magidin:
"I'll have you for that, you ->scum<-!"

Voice from Above:
"Not before I have you!" [another book falls from the top
of the wall, but Magidin catches it]

Magidin:
"Hmmm... Niezstche. Never read Niezstche..."

[opens the book, and starts reading.]

[Fade out, since watching Madigin read is dull as all hell]

[Fade back in to the Jesus Detachment, Larry, Moe, and.. no
no that's not it.. ah yes, it's McCullough, Keppel-Jones,
and Geist. They are in the woods, searching... and not just
searching but...]

Geist:
"Aha! Found it!"

[McCullough and Keppel-Jones approach, expecting elucidation]

Geist:
"Look!"

[Geist points at a nearby stream- there is a 1 foot tall
waterwheel, and a miniature bridge next to it.]

Geist: "Notice the way the moving parts are made of
differently colored wood. Definitely smurf-make. They
can't be far... ah, look.. over there.. mushrooms."

Keppel-Jones:
"Mushrooms? They look like somebody's toys."

Geist: "Yes! That must be the village! Let's go!"

[They walk over to the village. It appears deserted.]

McCullough:
"It appears to be.... *DESERTED*!"

Geist:
"Nonsence. Smurfs to have an instinctive fear of humans,
cats, water buffalo, names beginning with 'X', PBS, the movie
'Casablanca', and anyone over 12 years old. But they're too
stupid to hide anywhere but their own homes. They are here..."

McCullough: "HEY SMURFS! COME OUT AND GET WHAT'S COMING TO YOU!"

[Faint whimpers are heard from the various mushrooms.]

Geist: "That probably won't work. Let's try something a bit more
civilized."

[Geist picks the biggest 'mushroom' of the ground, gives it a vigorous
shake, and then..]

Geist: "C'mon. We want to be your *FRIENDS*" [He puts the mushroom
back]

[The requisite cute little door on the mushroom opens and a
smurf in a red cap with a beard drags himself out.]

Papa Smurf:
"Well.. if you really want to be friends.. DON'T PICK UP OUR
SMURFING HOMES AND SHAKE THEM ANYMORE!"

Geist: "Ah! Is that the custom here? I didn't know."

Papa Smurf:
"Yes.. yes.. Alright.. OK EVERYONE YOU CAN COME OUT NOW!"

[Smurfs pour out of the various mushrooms without
hesitation and being frolicking everywhere]

Geist: "Now remember, everyone... it would be bad to step
on them. Be careful!"

Papa Smurf: "Now, what did you smurf here for?"

Geist: "We're looking for Jesus Christ."

[Papa Smurf looks quizzical.]

Geist: "Ummm" [thinks fast] "in your language that would
be 'Godly Smurf', I think."

Papa Smurf:
"Ah, yes, I remember him. Godly Smurf was always smurfing
about turning the other smurf and smurfing thy enemy and
so on."

Geist: "That's the fellow! We came to see him."

[Suddenly a hush falls over the Smurfs, but they
do keep on frolicking.]

Papa Smurf: "I am smurf I have bad news for you. A few
thousand years ago, Godly Smurf vanished without a smurf.
We smurfed him about thirty smurfs later. You'd better
smurf for yourself."

McCullough: [under breath]
"Yeah, what he said."

[Papa Smurf leads the gingerly stepping Jesus Detachment
a short distance away, to a ravine. The other smurfs follow
in a crowd, frolicking. In the ravine is the corpse of a smurf
with long hair, and a white toga. There are holes in his hand,
and a nasty gash in his side.]

Papa Smurf: "We smurfed him here. We tried burying him,
but he kepts getting out again somehow."

Geist: "Getting out? Isn't he dead?"

Papa Smurf: "He is smurfing well dead.... it is the smurfiest
thing I have ever smurfed. He'd just turn up everywhere. We left
him here in the end."

Keppel-Jones: "Thousands of years ago? And he's still here?"

Geist: "Smurfs are incorupt, you know."

Papa Smurf: "Except for Brainy, of course."

McCullough: "Well, I guess we don't get to kill him, then."

The Smurfs: "GASP!"

Keppel-Jones: [turns to face crown]
"He means that in the *nicest*.."

Geist:
"Smurfiest!"

Keppel-Jones:
"right, *smurfiest* sense of the word, of course."

[The Smurfs breathe a collective sigh of relief, the way they do.]

McCullough:
"Mind if we make off with the body, just the same?"

Papa Smurf:
"Sure. It was beginning to draw tourists, anyway."

Geist: "Thanks a heap."

McCullough: "We got an appointment at the Throne of God. You
know the quickest way there?"

Papa Smurf: "Certainly! Come, let's go warm up
the Smurfmobile."

[And the Smurf froclick gleefully back towards the village,
while Our Heros trudge gleefully after them. Fade out, before
it gets any sillier.]