From: johnsd2@jec327.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 5.
Date: 6 Mar 1994 03:01:58 GMT


Here's what you've all been waiting for, but not for very long: Chapter 5,
I hope these messages are getting out; several people
have emailed me asking for direct emailage of this stuff
because their newserver isn't getting it relably. Is
this problem widespread?

Well, no matter. Here's Chapter 5. It's a bit short, but I had
to cut off somewhere logical. And logic just isn't a strong
suit of this particular plot. :)

              Chapter 5      On the Other Hand

[Establishing shot of the Jesus Detachment (McCullough, Keppel-Jones,
Geist) climbing through steep, rocky terrain]

McCullough: "Are we there yet?"

Geist: "Shh! I heard something!"

McCullough: [quietly] "Yeah. A question."

Geist: "No.. over past that ridge.. c'mon, let's go look."

[They climb over to a nearby ridge and look over. Beyond the
ridge there's a circle of perhaps 10 people.]

Person #1: "My Lord JEEEZUS! We heard your warning and sent
in our finest spirits to crush the infidels!"

Person #2: "Heathen! He means Heathen!"

Person #1: "Yeah! But there were too much for lowly scum
like us! We forgot to give our spirits weapons, so they
kind of lost. Forgive us, your children!"

Geist: [whispering to Keppel-Jones]
"No weapons?"

Keppel-Jones:
"It might have taken a bit longer if they were armed, but
I'm sure I could have..."

McCullough: [shouts]
"KEEP IT DOWN! THEY'LL HEAR YOU!"

Person #2: "Did you hear something?"

Person #4: "No, did you?"

Person #1: "I did, too.. over there.."

[The people walk up the ridge and find Our Heros]

Person #8: "Who are they?"

Voice from Behind Our Heros:
"The heathen that you lowlifes didn't kill."

[Out heros spin about and see a long haired man in a white toga.]

Geist:
"Who are *you*?"

Man: [throwing his arms about dramatically]
"JEEEZUS, thy Lord and God, stupid unbeliever!" [looks at
his followers] "Now kill them!"

[The people begin to surge forward..]

McCullough: [clears throat]
"Um.. is that _REALLY_ necessary?"

[and then they stop again, befuddled]

Person #2: "Um.. er.. gee."

JEEEZUS: "Yes, *OF COURSE* it is! They work for the enemy!"

Geist:
"Enemy? I assure you, we don't work for Satan. I mean, Keppel-Jones
here knows his landlord, but that's *IT*."

Person #4: "Satan?"

JEEEZUS: "Liar! You work for Jesus, *ADMIT IT*!"

Keppel-Jones:
"Um.. waitasec. If we work for you, how come you are trying to have
us killed?"

JEEEZUS: "Not ->ME<- you moron, that Damned Userper, *Jesus*!"
[Trees begin being whithering left and right at his rage]

Keppel-Jones:
"And you're JEEEZUS, not Jesus?"

JEEEZUS: "->YES<-! Give this man a cigar!"

[Person #9 produces a cigar and offers it to Keppel-Jones]

Keppel-Jones:
"And you don't like Jesus?"

JEEEZUS: "I deserve to be King of Heaven, too!"

Geist: "But isn't he the Son of God?"

JEEEZUS: "Me too. And don't tell me he's older, we're twins."

Keppel-Jones:
"I wouldn't dream of it. So, he's your evil twin brother?"

JEEEZUS: "*NO*! Do I have to explain *EVERYTHING*? *I'M* ->HIS<-
Evil Twin Brother! Jesus isn't evil, he's a goddamned smurf!"

McCullough:
"We sympathize. We're out to kill him."

JEEEZUS: "Oh, cool. Good luck; I've always wanted to sit
at the Right Hand of my father, instead of the left. I'd
help, but we have to go petition the local school board. Tah."

[JEEEZUS and followers leave]

McCullough: "Well, that was an odd one. But we're no closer
to finding Jesus now than before."

[Geist develops a thoughtful look]

Keppel-Jones:
"Alan.. why are you developing a thoughtful look?"

Geist:
"*OF COURSE*! I should have known!"

Keppel-Jones:
"Known?"

Geist:
"Listen. You know all that stuff Jesus said.. turn the other
cheek... love thy enemies.. all that jazz?"

McCullough: "Yeah, so?"

Geist:
"What else but a smurf would say that?"

McCullough:
"Hold it, hold it, time out. A *smurf*? The little blue guys?
Are you seriously considering taking that comment of his literally?"

Geist:
"Yes! We have to find the Smurf Village!"

Keppel-Jones:
"Waitasec. We're in Heaven. It's on Earth. Do you see a little
problem here?"

Geist:
"No, I don't. But then, I know something you don't!"

Keppel-Jones:
"What would that be, pray tell?"

Geist:
"The airspeed velocity of an unladen swallow!"

McCullough: "African or European?"

Geist: [ignoring that]
"And I know something else! Around 60 BC, Gargamoyle
bought a nuke from the Israelis, and *finally* put
an end to the smurfs!"

"Of course, he blew himself straight to hell in the process,
where I hear he runs a very nice bar. But the smurfs *must*
have gone to heaven. No WAY would Cerberus of let those lumps
sweetness and light anywhere *NEAR* the Infernal Regions. Some
people just don't know the debt we owe to that pooch..."

McCullough:
"You're a genius! Or a lunatic. No, strike that. Just a lunatic.
How does this help us, anyway?"

Geist:
"I gather you don't rough it much. Smurfs *always* build
little tiny villages out of polyester mushrooms in the sunnier
spots of the forests. We just find a forest and look for sunny
bits."

McCullough:
"It's lame, but I don't have a better idea. Let's go."

[They troop off towards a nearby forest. Fade out.]