From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 4
Date: 5 Mar 1994 04:15:28 GMT

Here's Chapter 4, which did work out to be long enough. I hope you like it.
It gets just a little odd at the end, but that's because I'm writing this
at 11pm, which has it's impact.

>From the way things are going, this is actualy going to work out to
12 chapters, just like my outline says it should. Will wonders never
cease. But this and ch. 3 were two of the most vaguely defined chapters
in my overall plan, and they both came off nicely. So we're 1/4 of the way
throught; can you stand the suspence?

Anyway, here's Ch 4, the answer to the prayers of the hordes telling
me to get Angela Dyer into it somehow. :P

              Chapter 4      Unspeakable

[Fade in to exterior view of a skyscraper. As we pan down to the
door, Angela Dyer walks on screen, and inside. We pan after her.]

[Interior view of skyscraper. Angela Dyer walks up to a counter, where
a clerk is standing.]

Angela Dyer:
"I need to get to the Flanders Tounge Parlor. What floor is it?"

Clerk:
"Ah yes, trying to speak the Unknown Tongue? Very admirable. It's
on the 5th floor, but you can't go there now, you need an appointment."

Angela Dyer:
"Oh, I doubt it." [Walks towards the elevator]

Clerk:
"No! You can make an appointment at the desk... you can't go up!"

Angela Dyer:
"Sure I can. Of course, that's just because the security in heaven
is crap. No offence." [she steps into the elevator, pushes 5.
Doors close, and she on her way.]

[Cut to the Main Force, marching along the road. Then, suddenly...]

Terence Rokop:
"Hold it! I smell... a trap!"

[Everyone scatters off to the side of the road but Rokop, who
sniffs.]

"A '69, I think. That was a good year for traps."

[He roots around the bushes and come out with a bottle
marked 'TRAP']

"Yes, just as I thought, a '69."

Dan Johnson:
"No! I know a dumb exploding bottle joke when I see it coming
from twenty miles away. Throw it away."

Terence Rokop:
"Alright" <shrug>

[He tosses it away. Cut back to the interior of the skyscraper,
5th floor. An elevator opens, and Angela Dyer steps out, then
walks through a nearby door marked 'Flanders Tongue Parlor']

[Cut to Interior, Flanders Tongue Parlor. A man is lieing on
a sofa, and Flanders himself (you can tell by the T-shirt)
is sitting nearby, psychiatrist style.]

Man:
"Ouryay othermay ateseay ittylitterkay!"

Flanders: [seeing Angela]
"Shhh! Don't interrupt! He's on a roll. Just sit down
and wait your turn."

Man:
"Eyhay abybay, annaway etgay tiay noay, owknay atwhay I eanmay?"

Angela Dyer:
"That's Pig Latin!"

Flanders:
"I know a dozen dialects of latin, and this isn't anything
like them. It's the Unknown Tongue!"

Man:
"I avehay a icenay omphycay olkwagenvay! 'moncay! I annaway
etgay tiay puay!"

Angela Dyer:
"Enough!" [She pulls out a big, nasty, sparking, pointy electroejaculator
and gives the man a vicious poke]

Man: "AAAAHOOOWAY! OOWIEZAY!"

[And a white cloud spurts out of his navel and then.. just hangs
in the air. Flanders looks aghast. The man looks surprised.]

Angela Dyer:
"The Holy Ghost, I presume."

Cloud:
"Well, yes. You were expecting me to be somewhere else? I'm everywhere,
baby!"

Angela Dyer:
"Stow it. You've had it, buster- I'm going to take you down!"

Cloud:
"I can't think of anyone I'd rather have take me down."
[The cloud forms into a lecherous grin.]

"But I'm afraid I'm too much for you. I am that which is everywhere,
remember?"

Angela: [produces fat textbook]
"Everywhere? As in, every single place?"

Cloud:
"You gotta baby! You're quick!"

Angela:
"Of course, that would include places where electrons already are.."

Cloud: "Yup!"

Angela:
"And neutrons.."

Cloud: "Yes!"

Angela:
"For you to be where Neutrons already are, you must be dense enough
for gravity to overcome neutron degeneracy pressure.."

Cloud: "Now see here..."

Angela:
"So you must have mass! But if you are everywhere, so is your mass."

Cloud: "Well..."

Angela:
"So the universe must have collapsed from the gravitational
distortion.."

Cloud: "But it _HASN'T_!"

Angela:
"Yes! So you don't exist!"

Cloud: "Oh dear. Now I suppose you expect me to dissapear in a puff
of logic, right?"

Angela: "Well, it would be nice."

Cloud: "Never! I don't need logic! I'll just ignore it! Muahahaha!"

<CRASH>

[All turn to see five heavily armed men busting through
the window, wearing 'Logic Police' uniforms.]

Logic Policeman #1:
"Alright... who just violated the Laws of Logic?"

Cloud: "Ah.. her!" [forms into a hand pointing an Angela]

Angela: "Liar! You did!"

Logic Policeman #2:
"We better take 'em both in."

Logic Policeman #1:
"Nah, I know this Holy Ghost. He's been stomping all over
the good laws of this reality for as long as you've been
on the force. It was him, count on it."

Logic Policeman #2:
"Alright, boss. Holy Ghost, you are under arrest. You have
the right to formulate proofs. If you give up that right,
anything you claim can and will be critised on aesthetic grounds.
You have the right to a calculator..." [they lead the Cloud
off, so we don't hear the rest.]

Flanders:
"Hey! You can't do this! I'll sue you for restraint of trade."

Angela: "Well, my work is done here." [a twangy, western tune
pops up] "I must move on.. but where ever rationality is threatened,
where ever people make no sense, where ever I can get a good
'fig newton'- there you will find... ->Angela Dyer<-,
Veternarian of Truth!"

[The music becomes louder and Angela walks out the door, and we fade out.]