From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson) Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Chapter 3 Date: 5 Mar 1994 03:08:31 GMT I got my info, and here's the next Chapter of the story. I think those who have been arguing with Chris Ogden will like it. Chapter 4 should be out soon, perhaps tonight, unless I wind up merging it with some other chapter. We'll see. Anyway, without further ado, here's Chapter 3. Chapter 3 All you need is Doves [Fade in to what looks like a residential area. Ray Ingles is walking alone, looking for something. He hails a passing archangel] Ray Ingles: "Hail, Passing Archangel! You know any good places to get birdseed?" Passing Archangel: "You might ask some birds for it." Ray Ingles: "No, I want to feed some birds!" Passing Archangel: "I doubt they are hungry. Perhaps you should try some light conversation?" Ray Ingles: "Um.. ok. I'll try it." [Ray wanders off in search of birds. Fade out, then fade into the Main Force, still on the road, or rather beside it. They are eating lunch] Geoff Arnold: [Eating a balony and spam sandwich] "Mmmghth.." "Dan, what are you doing." Dan Johnson: "Cooking" [takes out some chicken] "my dear ole' mothers secret recipe!" [He throws the chicken into the are, then whips out his flamethrower, aims and... nothing happens. The chicken lands on the pavement with a pathetic splat.] "or perhaps not. I just gotta get that fixed." Trevor Hicks: "Oh well, you can have some of my lunch." Dan Johnson: "What is it?" Trevor Hicks: [produces a smallish refrigerator] "Ice cream! I got vanilla and Rainforest Crunch. What will you have?" Rick Duffy: "Hey! That's what I brought, too!" [pulls out a really small frige] Jeffery Cook: "Me too!" James Rice: "Yeah, that what I have." [pulls out a canister, opens it] "Er.. that's what I *had*. Why didn't you tell me you had a fridge?" [mathew grins at all this, then produces a thermos] James Rice: "Whazzat?" mathew: "Coffee." James Rice: "Can I have some?" [mathew gives that the ice glare it deserves. Cut back to the residential area, where Ray has finally founds some birds. We see Ray sitting on the ground near a status of Saint Ardala, patron saint of Lithe Space Vixens.] Ray Ingles: "So, then the goose gets up and just drops into the lake!" [The birds titter] "But seriously, I need to find some doves, can you tell me where they hang out?" [The birds titter some more] "No, no, I'm serious this time. I really have to find some doves." [The birds titter at every full stop.] "I don't see what's so funny." [The birds titter again, but then stop abruptly, and fly off.] "Uh.. guys.. didn't mean it... uh..." [a big furry orange cat walks past Ray, and around behind him.] "Oh. C'mon, he wasn't gonna hurt you! Come back!" [They don't, and Ray, now less hopefull turns to leave. And then stops and stares.] Ray Ingles: [nervously] "Uh... cat.. didn't you used to be less than 8 feet tall?" [The camera pans around and we see the cat, now about 8 feet tall, lieing on the ground. She ignores Ray.] "Uh... hello. What's your name? How'd you get so big." [The cat does nothing] "Hmm.. no talking? Just like to chase birds? Heh." [He turns to leave, since he's obviously not getting through the cat, but he is brought up short when he notices a sign suspended on chains that run endlessly into the sky, right in front of him. It reads I'm Orithyia. Who are you today?] "That was cute. I'm fine, how are you." [Suddenly a large cabbage drops onto Ray's head, and then balances precariously there. Ray picks it off his head, and then notices it has words carved into it: Not how, who. He tosses it aside.] "Oh. I'm Ray Ingles, please to meet you." [Ray steps back, then notices something rubbing against his leg. It's the cat normal sized again.] "Now cut that out! What is your game anyway?" [Orithyia yawns, then starts cleaning her claws.] "Oh well, perhaps you can help me. I need to find a dove. Do you know where they live?" [Nothing happens.] "Well? Come on, I deserve *some* answer!" [Orithyia lies down. A youth in a uniform runs out of an alleyway nearby.] Youth: "Telegram! Telegram for Mr. Ingles!" Ray Ingles: "Yo!" Youth: "Here you go." [hands it over, then leaves.] [Ray opens it and reads it. WHY WOULD I WANT TO SHOW YOU DOVES STOP THIS IS MORE FUN STOP YOU ARE THE BEST IDEA I HAVE HAD IN A LONG TIME STOP I DONT WANT YOU TO GO AWAY YET STOP OH YES PRRRRRRR STOP I SUPPOSE THAT WAS MANDATORY STOP ORITHYIA] "Oh, come off it. I'm not here to amuse you!" [A frisbee with the words 'Are too!' enscribed on it flings out of nowhere much and then back into nowhere much.] "And I'm not your idea!" [A loudspeaker pops out of a tree nearby] Loudspeaker: "Attention! Attention, all personnel! If Ray wasn't Orithyia's idea, she wouldn't be *HAVING* him, would she? Someone else would, if there is a someone else. Which she doesn't believe for a moment, of course." Ray Ingles: "Oh... a solipsist, eh? One of those hypocritical, irresonsiple, bone headed *MORONS* who thinks nothing exists outside of themselves!" [Pause] "Hey! I'm talking to _YOU_, pussy!" [A sign springs out of the ground on a pole, reading Oh yes, I know. Don't stop, I love it. Such verve.] "Think you can play games with me, yeah? Well take _THIS_" [Ray picks up a large rock and hurls it directly at Orithyia. It passes right through her, and bounces off the ground.] "Gah.. er... well, that's a neat trick! But _I_ am real, so if anyone is a figment, it's you! Yeah!" [Orithyia turns and looks at Ray with one of those looks that says "No, no, I'm real, you're the figment, and deep down, you always knew it, didn't you?"] "Don't give _me_ a dirty look! And I did _NOT_ know it!" [A small fish jumps out of a pond that wasn't there a minute ago, and squawks "She thinks you do!"; it then lands in Orithyia's mouth, and becomes cat food.] "Hmmm... well, you know, it would explain the way the rock went through you, and all these weird signs. And of course, it would explain why I'm suddenly believing that I'm a figment of your imagination. I don't see any *other* way to explain all this. I suppose you must be right. What a bummer." [He plops down and starts scratching behind Orithyia's ear, which she studously ignores.] [A chalkboard suddenly appears on a nearby building, reading "I'm losing interest."] Ray Ingles: "Uh-oh!"