From: johnsd2@jec323.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 13
Date: 18 Mar 1994 04:47:21 GMT

Here is chapter 13. The credits will roll in a separate post, since they
contain The Name That Should Never Be Named, But Only Hinted At
Obscurely.

This is the last chapter (you can tell 'cuz it says "The End");
I hope you all consider this a happy ending, though I am not
sure everyone will.

Please send me your reactions; there are enough changes that
this story will be re-released in a final version when it is
finished. Before that can happen, though, I need to know what
you think.

       Chapter 13   The Case of the One True God

[Fade in to the Interior of the Courthouse; Perry Mason music
plays. We see that Scott Sauyet is now wearing one of those silly
wigs, probably 'cuz he's judge..]

Ray Ingles:
"See that! You saw that, didn't you! He put that wig there!
Clearly a violation of the esteemed judges space! I'll add
that to the list of charges!"

Sauyet:
"What?"

[Scott Sauyet straightens up and grabs the wig, looking
distressed. So maybe it wasn't there 'cuz he's a judge,
so sue me.]

God: "I never!" [looks innocent]

IPU: "<guilty whinny>"
[Subtitle: I.. I CONFESS! IT WAS ME! I DID IT! WITH THE RHUBARB IN
THE LIBRARY!]

Dan Johnson:
"Does anybody have any idea what she is saying?"

[Cut to another room in the courthouse. The Jesus Detachment
is here, and Keppel-Jones is trying to jimmy the lock on
a vending machine.]

McCullough:
"Is this *really* necessary?"

Keppel-Jones:
"Yes! We're going up against *God*, man! We need some form of
protection! Who knows what he'll throw at us!"

McCullough:
"I somehow doubt you'll find any kelvar in there."

Keppel-Jones:
"Better! Twinkies! Can *you* think of anything stronger?"

McCullough: [looks inside and sees the twinkies]
"No! Don't let them out!"

[Pulls Keppel-Jones away from the machine, but its too late-
the lock breaks and the door swings open.]

Keppel-Jones: "Hey, hands off!"

[But then a dozen twinkies fly out of the machine, karooming off
the walls, the people, the hostess fruit pies, everything!]

Twinkies: "Eep! Eep!"

Geist: "Get 'em off me! Get 'em off me!"

McCullough: "RUN!"

[And run they do, right into the courtroom proper- with the
Twinkies hot on their tail!]

Sauyet: "About time!"

Geist: "No time to talk! A herd of twinkies is after us!"

Barney: "*Twinkies*? <chuckle chuckle> I *LOVE* Twinkies!"

[Barney lurches out of the jury box and everyone scatters before
the Mighty Purple One. He scarfs down twinkie after twinkie! They
run, but they can't hide from his Undieing Mandibles!]

Twinkies: "EEEEP! EEEEEEEEEP!"

Geoff Arnold: [from hiding]
"I should have guessed as much."

[Barney continues to munch pitiful, whimpering twinkies with
gay abandon.]

Generic Announcer: [voice over]
"And so we see the Timeless Struggle between Predator and Prey,
Plush Toy and Twinkie; The Perfect Balance..."

Dan Johnson:
"What do you think this is, some damn nature special? This isn't
PBS, buddy!"

Generic Announcer: [voice over]
"Oh, sorry."

Twinkies: "EEEP! EEEEP!"

Dan Johnson:
"You know, I heard he was half cookie monster!"

Geoff Arnold:
"Oh, come on, this isn't Star Tre.."

Barney: [catches the last Twinkie, shovels it down messily]
"Aaaarmnumnumnumnumnum!"

Geoff Arnold:
"Never mind."

[Barney returns to his seat.]

Barney: "<chuckle chuckle> Don't we all just *LOVE* Twinkies?"

All: "NO!"

Barney: "<chuckle chuckle>"

Sauyet:
"Now that we're all here.. do you have it?"

McCullough:
"Huh?"

Sauyet:
"The Body!"

McCullough:
"Oh yeah, sure. Here it is!"

[McCullough presents the corpse of Godly Smurf.]

Geoff Arnold: "Kinda.. flat.. aint it?"

McCullough: "We had a rough time getting here."

God: [nervous]
"What does this have to do with anything?"

Ray Ingles:
"Take the stand, Mr. McCullough!"

[McCullough takes the stand]

Ray Ingles:
"I mean, sit behind the stand, I'm gonna question you."

McCullough:
"OH!" [puts the stand down and sits behind it]

Ray Ingles:
"Now... *WHERE* were you on the night of the 23d?"

McCullough: "The 23d what?"

Ray Ingles: "No, where."

McCullough: "on second!"

Ray Ingles: "No, on the 23d!"

McCullough: "Why?"

Ray Ingles: "Tempted though I am to answer 'why not?', I will
leave it at this." [produce a bazooka, aims it an McCullough]
"WHERE were you on the night of the 23d?"

McCullough: "Joe's Bazooka Repair Shop."

Ray Ingles: "Pardon me?"

McCullough: "I was bribing him. To disconnect the trigger
in your bazooka."

Ray Ingles: "Did he *take* the bribe?"

McCullough: "Oh, yes. He's not a very honest man, you know."

Ray Ingles: "How *MUCH* did you bribe him with." [moves the bazooka
closer to McCullough's head]

McCullough: "19.95, plus tax."

Sauyet: "Can we get down to business."

[Ray Ingles puts the Bazooka away]
Ray Ingles: "Alright. Whose corpse did you bring down here?"

McCullough: "Godly Smurf's!"

Ray Ingles: "I believe he was more widely known
by an alias?"

McCullough: "Yes- Jesus Christ."

Ray Ingles: "And how did he die?"

McCullough: "God only knows."

Ray Ingles: "I'm sure he does, but I doubt he'd tell us... but
there's someone else who knows. Your witness, God."

God: [through clenched teeth] "No questions."

Ray Ingle: "I call Godly Smurf, aka Jesus Christ,
to the stand!"

[The corpse predictably fails to move]

Geoff Arnold: "Isn't he kind of dead?"

Ray Ingles: [motions to the IPU]
"Your Pinkness, if I may be so bold..."

[The IPU leaps of the stand in a dazzling burst
of undetectability, and touches Godly Smurf with
her horn. You can't see it, the horn is invisible
too, but Godly Smurf promptly reinflates.]

Godly Smurf: [Sitting up painfully]
"Whoa... I feel like smurf..."

Scott Sauyet: "Godly Smurf, you will keep
your language clean here! You have been called
to the stand."

Godly Smurf: [looks around]
"Alright, sorry..." [takes the stand. I mean, sits behind the stand.]

Ray Ingles:
"Do you know who is responsible for your erstwhile death?"

Godly Smurf: "Yes."

Ray Ingles:
"Is he in this room."

Godly Smurf. "No, but He is."

Ray Ingles: [does a double take, then gets it]
"Cute. Could you point Him out to us?"

Godly Smurf: "Yes, I most certainly could!"

Ray Ingles: "So do it."

[Godly Smurf points right at Jehovah.]

Godly Smurf: "Him."

Ray Ingles: "Could you please describe the circumstances
surrounding your death. And if so, do so now."

Godly Smurf: "Yes. Some millenia ago, I set out from my village-
the village I should say- to have a little chat with God about
increasing my pay. Well, no sooner had I announced myself,
then *POOF*, I was being born! You can imagine my surprise
to see that woman standing- er, lying over me!"

Ray Ingles: "What woman?"

Godly Smurf: "You know, Mary. Anyway, her hubby, Joseph, figured
the mailman looked kinda bluish, so I was out on my kazoo before you
could sneeze twice! Naturally I got a job doing the only thing
I know how to do.."

Ray Ingles: "Oh, do tell."

Godly Smurf: "Wandering Spiritual Wise Guy. I blew 30 years
getting a nice troop of wise guys together, and getting a reputation-
that's very important in my line of work- and then the local
competition, some Caifas guy, has me nailed to a tree!"

Ray Ingles: "So what makes you think Jehovah here is responcible?"

Godly Smurf: "Cuz of what happened next! 3 days later, I wake
up again- in the tomb. I muscle out, and I figure out pretty
quick I got resurrected! A week or so later, I got sucked back
up into heaven- whereupon I promptly died again. Only one guy
has that kinda clout- the Big Guy, God!"

Q: "This is outrageous! He's one of our kind!"

IPU: "<concerned whinny>"
[subtitle: Poor bastard. Er, sorry, poor choice of words.]

Barney: "Oh, dear, that isn't much fun, is it?"

Gozer: "This is not going to look good on your permanent
record, Jehovah."

[Orithyia sits up and takes notice]

Ray Ingles: "Your witness, God."

God: [stands]
"You've certainly painted me as quite a villan. So how is it
that during your.. stay on Earth, you kept up a constant
litany of how nice and kind and wonderful I was? Seems
kind of odd for a murder victim."

Godly Smurf:
"I was kissing up to you. Didn't want to be stuck on Earth
for the rest of my life."

God: "So, I'm *not* an all-loving father figure."

Godly Smurf: "You are a damned bastard, that's what you are."

Jury, 'cept Orithyia: "Oooooo!"

God: [Distressed by this turn]
"Your honor, the defense would like to call a witness.. me."

Sauyet: "Of course. Godly Smurf, you are dismissed."

God: [sits]
"I admit, I killed him. But I had to do it; there was no choice.
You see, I had to offer him up as a sacrifice to myself. I was
getting very cheezed off at the puny mortals, who kepts being so..
*IMPERFECT*! Kept breaking my rules! That really gets my goat. I needed
to be pacified, you understand. And nothing but the best sacrifice will
do for the Creator of Everything; a God had to Die. He was there. It
was him."

Ray Ingles: "May I cross-examine?"

Sauyet: "Of course."

Ray Ingles: "Other Gods get angry. Other gods need sacrifices;
they make do with cows and goats. Why can't you?"

God: "I am the One True God!"

Ray Ingles: "I think others have a better claim than you do."
[looks at Orithyia] "What's the real reason.. wasn't it
because YOU WERE JEALOUS OF HIS ABILITY TO WALK ON WATER?
You always were a Jealous God..."

God: "I CONFESS! I CONFESS! I DID IT! BUT... I DID IT BECAUSE
I COULDN'T AFORD TO GIVE HIM A RAISE. I'M NOT ALL-POWERFULL
YOU KNOW! Well.. actually I am. But you get the point! IT
WAS TEMPORARY INSANITY! I WASN'T MYSELF! I WAS A SMALL RODENT
IN ALASKA!"

Ray Ingles: "I think we've heard enough."

Q: "Too much."

Sauyet: "The Jury will consider their verdict."

Q: "Come now, we're all omniscient here. He did it,
we know it, and he's gonna get it."

Gozer: "Yes. There is no need to consider this."

Sauyet: "Then I will pronounce the sentence..."

Gozer: [looks suspiciously at Sauyet]
"Are you a God?"

Sauyet: "Uh.." [thinks fast] "Yes!"

Gozer: "Oh, Ok."

Sauyet: [Composes himself, stands up]
"Jehovah, you have been found guilty of the crime of
theocide. You are sentenced- to *superstition*!"

God: "NO!"

[Gozer stands up an lighting sprouts off her hands and
spills all over God]

[Orithyia goes to sleep]

[The IPU leaps forward and gores God- simultaneously,
Q snaps his fingers, there is a bright flash and..]

Geoff Arnold: "Gah! What was that?"

Dan Johnson: "They're all gone!" [And indeed, all the
Gods are gone, but there is something on the floor..]

Sauyet: "A book! Let's see.."

[Sauyet picks up the book that is lying on the floor where
God used to be, and flips through it.]

Sauyet: "Its a Six-Thousand year history of the world, with
numerous contradictions and inaccuracies, but it figures
Jehovah prominently. The first half concentrates on one
tribe in the middle-east; the second is about the wanderings
of Godly Smurf, but it never gives his real name."

Dan Johnson: "Hmm.. you know.. maybe we could sell it."

Sauyet: "Who'd buy something like this?"

Dan Johnson: "No, really. We just give it a good title and hawk
it for its mystical truths. We'll say its a pile of parables."

Geoff Arnold: "A good title? For two books in one cover,
essentially?"

Dan Johnson: "Yeah, like, 'Bill & Teds Excellent Religion' or something."

Ray Ingles: "Might work."

Geoff Arnold: "It's crazy! Nobody buy it. It has no literary
value, and it isn't good for anything practical."

Ray Ingles: "It can't hurt to try, can it?"

Geoff Arnold: "All right. We can try. But don't complain
to me when it flops!"

Dan Johnson: "Have faith! You know what's born every minute!"

[Our heros troop out, heading back to Reality, and the nearest
publisher. And we fade to...]


                     THE
                         END