From: johnsd2@jec303.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 12
Date: 16 Mar 1994 03:05:51 GMT

Here is Chapter 12, just completed. And yes, there
will be a chapter 13. That number is just so apropo that
I may rethink I plans to add a chapter (and a Holy Ghost) in
the next rewrite. I may have to combine some chapters somewhere,
to stay at that ideal number. :P

Any suggestions as to which chapters could aford to go, or be
combined, would be appreciated. It's hard for me to tell what is funny
in these things.


             Chapter 12    Dramatic Entrance

[Cut to exterior view, a small blue boat. Smurfs are swarming all
over it, and the Jesus Detachment, our heros, and slightly green guys,
Mark McCullough, Steven Keppel-Jones, and Alan Geist, are
holding onto the top of of the thing, since it is too small
for them to fit inside. It is, however, hideously cute.]

[Cut to interior view, bridge of the same boat. We have a pale blue
smurf at the wheel, some miscelaneous smurfs around the back,
and Papa Smurf in a chair in the center of the bridge.]

Papa Smurf: [Speaking into a microphone]
"Smurfs log, smurfdate 5322.2. On a smurfy mission to deliver
smurf to smurf.."

Smurf in the Back:
"Sir! Incoming projectile at smurf smurf mark smurf! Reads as..
sugar!"

Papa Smurf:
"Hmmm. Want to play smurf, do they? Android Smurf, evasive starboard!"

Android Smurf (the pale one):
"Aye, sir!"
[Leans WAAAAY over to the right, practically falling out of his chair]

Papa Smurf:
"No, the *ship*!"

Android Smurf:
"Oh. Yessir!" [straightens up, turns the wheel]

[Cut to exterior view, the blue ship. It veers right, barely
avoiding a lump of sweet death. Our heros are still holding on.]

Papa Smurf: [voice-over]
"These are the voyages of the smurf-ship 'Entersmurf'. Or
was it 'Smurfprize'? Anyway, her continuing mission is to
seek out new smurf, and new smurf, and to smurfily go where
no smurf has smurfed before!"

Keppel-Jones:
"Did he say 'continuing'?"

Geist:
"Yes, he did."

Keppel-Jones:
"He was lying, right?"

Geist:
"I hope so!"

McCullough:
"Look, that's where the Throne should be!"

[He points to a nearby field, now graced with a courthouse,
surrounded by angry angels.]

Geist:
"Hold on Steve! We're almost there!"

[Cut forward in time a few minutes. Exterior view, the
courthouse. A throng of angry angels surround it. The Jesus
Detachment, having ditched the smurfs at the shore,
is hiding behind the ridge where Stryder was hit.]

McCullough:
"Damn. What happened?"

Geist:
"Whatever it was involved a lot of sweetness and light!"
[Points to burn marks and sugar stains]
"And somebody was using an M-16 up there!" [points to some
shell casings]

Keppel-Jones:
"So there was a fight here. Who won?"

Geist:
"The cavalry. Check out the hoofprints!"

Keppel-Jones:
"IPUs or Horses?"

Geist: "It's hard to say..."

McCullough: "Why?"

Geist: "I'm not a very good tracker."

McCullough: "Oh. Well, I bet our answers
are in the courthouse. If we can get inside."

Keppel-Jones: "I have a plan..."

[Cut to interior of courthouse]

Ray Ingles:
"The prosecution maintains that this God, Jahovah, willfully and
with malice aforethought wrongfully convinced 1.2 billion people
that he exists; That he committed 3.4 billion counts of murder
one, 2.1 billion counts of manslaughter, 4.4 billion counts
of contributing to the delinquency of a minor, several dozen
safety violations in the construction of homo sapiens, no less
that 524 zoning violations in the construction of the Earth,
and 1.43x10^26 counts of racketeering and extortion! If that
wasn't bad enough, he has flagrantly and repeatedly violated
the Laws of Common Sense, Logic, Physics, Nature, and the
Greater New York Municipal Area."

Barney: "<chuckle chuckle> Wouldn't we all just *LOVE* to know
if there's anything else? 'Course we would!"

Q: "There better be. I have better ways to waste
my time that this."

Ray Ingles: [digs through his notes]
"Um.. Tax Evasion?"

IPU: "<startled whinny>!"
[Subtitle: No!]

Q: "I'm very disappointed in you, Yahweh! They should
never have found out about that!"

Barney: "*THAT* wasn't very nice, was it?"
<chuckle, but only one of them this time>

[Orithyia pays attention]

[Cut the exterior, the courthouse. The crowd of angels is
getting ugly, or about as ugly as angels get, which isn't very.
Then..]

McCullough:
"Getcha hot dogs! Red hot hot dogs, right here! Get 'em while
they're hot!"

[McCullough, hefting a tray full of hot dogs, marches down.]

Angel #2232823:
"I want one!"

McCullough: [Picks one up]
"Just 50 cents! You want relish on it?"

Angel #2232823:
"I don't have any money!"

McCullough:
"Well, you better *get* some, if you want a hot dog!"

Angel #728232: (big crowd, ain't it?)
"I dunno. Are they really hot, Fred?"

Fred (aka Angel #23212441)
"I dunno, Luigi. Lemme see!"

McCullough:
"Trust me! They're hot as hell!"

Angles (in unison):
"IEEEEEEEEEEEE!" [They flee in all directions]

McCullough:
"They're gone! Come on down!"

[Keppel-Jones and Geist walk down to the courthouse]

McCullough:
"Now lets get to the bottom of this!" [throws hot dogs away]

Geist: "Hey! I wanted one of those!"

McCullough:
"You got 50 cents?"

Geist: "Well, no, not on my, but I'm good for it!"

McCullough: "Tough. Come on!"

[They enter the courthouse.]

[Fade out]