From: johnsd2@jec316.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson)
Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates Ch 11
Date: 14 Mar 1994 22:38:41 GMT

This took so long because it got to be too big; I have sliced
it up into peices, and the first one is, naturally, the next chapter.
The others remain to be completed.


Anyway, without even furthur ado, here it is:

                 Chapter 11       Never

[Fade in to interior of courtroom. God is standing behind a table,
our Heros are scattered about the courtroom, and Scott Sauyet is sitting
as judge]

God: [Thundering]
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAH! You'll never convict me! Never!"

[Pause]

"Say... what was the title of this chapter again?"

[Scott Sauyet grins]

God: "That's what I thought..."

Sauyet:
"Now then, for the jury, I have a very promising group..."

[God stretches out his hand. and Power and Glory cavort around
Him, only occasionally smacking into each other]

God:
"YOU WILL *NOT* CONVENE A JURY! I, THE LORD OF HOSTS, FORBID IT!"

[Sauyet drops onto his knees, clutching at his head]
Sauyet:
"No... must... resist... I... must... resist...
 I... HAVE... FREE... *WILL*!"

[God drops his hand, Power and Glory go on lunch break]
God: "Damn. Forgot about that." [sits down again.]

[Sauyet gets up]
Sauyet: "You've lost, your Holyness! I am a Comic, like Knowledgius
Objectivus before me!"

God: "I just hate it when this happens." [looks depressed]

Sauyet: [with a wide, sweeping gesture]
"I give you... the jury!

"Gozer the Gozarian, Gozer the Destructor!"

[With a foof, a woman wearing what looks like pink cellophane
appears in the witness stand and takes a seat.]

"Her Pinkness, may her Hooves never be Shod, the Invisible Pink Unicorn!"
[Again a foof, and the inimitable IPU appears, looking serene.]

"Ok, I suppose that was mandatory. His Purpleness, the Dark One,
he of the single slavering wraparound molar, Barney the Terrible!"

[A purple, plush, dinosaur appears in the witness stand and
looks very friendly at everyone.]

All: "AIIIIIIGH!"

[The entire crew, baring Sauyet, opens up on the Purple One with
every weapon at their disposal.]

Barney: "<chuckle chuckle>"

[Everyone hides under the various tables, except Sauyet, who
goes on]

Sauyet:
"Q, of the Q continuum!"

[With a flash of white light, the ever handy Q is present]

Q: "Oh, please. Don't tell me you couldn't do better than *this*."

Sauyet: "Hey, don't look at me. I didn't make this up."

Q: "I wasn't talking to *you*, I was talking to Gozer. Doesn't
staring in a major motion picture count for *anything* these
days?"

Gozer: [raspy voice]
"I do *not* want to talk about it."

Q: "Oh, very well. Perhaps I'd better reconsider this deal
with Paramount." [takes out a contract]

Sauyet: [undeterred by all this]
"The One and Only, heavy on the Only, Orithyia the Cat!"

[With another foof, Orithyia from Chapter 3, appears. Ray Ingles
appears with her. They are playing cards.]

Ray Ingles:
"Ha! Full house! Beat that!"

[Orithyia looks disappointed]

"Er.. I mean, a pair of 2s and a pair of 3s. And they.. uh.. cancel,
so your high 10 wins, right?"

Sauyet: "Now then, Ray.."

God: "Five Jurors? That's it?"

Sauyet: "Yeah well.. tight budget. You know how it is."

God: "Of course. I know all, remember?"

Sauyet: "Yes. Now, Ray, would you serve as the prosecution?"

Ray Ingles: "I'd love to, but sorry, no can do. I gotta keep
Orithyia entertained or *foof*, she'll stop thinking about
me, and then where will I be?"

Sauyet: "Prosecuting."

Ray Ingles: "'Fraid not, you see I'm a figment of her imagination."

IPU: "<whinny>" [pause] "<snicker>"
[subtitle: Oh, not that old ruse again]

Sauyet: "Don't be silly. If Orithyia had thought of you, you wouldn't
be nearly so dull."

Ray Ingles: "I dunno.. maybe she just lacks imagination..."

Sauyet: [turns to Orithyia]
"Would you mind loosening up for a bit? This is going to
far more interesting that a card game, eh?"

Ray Ingles: "But then, if I'm a figment of her imagination,
I wouldn't like peach ice cream, would I?"

Sauyet: [rolls eyes]
"Of course not. Now then.."

IPU: "<whinny>"
[Subtitle: <Untranslatable>]

Ray Ingles: "Of course, I'd love to serve as prosecutor."

[Walks over to the appropriate table and sits.]

Sauyet: "Now this, will everyone please come to order!"

[a pause]

"That means, get out from under the tables."

[Everyone climbs nervously out from hiding and sits in the back,
as far as possible from the Purple One.]

Sauyet: "Now then, Ray.."

Ray Ingles: [stands]
"Ladies and Gentlemen and Unicorns and Cats of the jury.."

Q: "There's only one each."

Ray Ingles:
"All right, Lady and Gentleman and Unicorn and Cat of the
jury, I give you exhibit A... a mouldy cucumber!"

[A mouldy cucumber falls from the ceiling into Ray outstreched hand]

Sauyet:
"Alright! Who did that!"

Q: "Oh, not me!"

Sauyet:
"Members of the Jury will *not* interfere the prosecutions presentation,
or I they will be ruled in contempt of logic!"

[Orithyia looks unconcerned]

Sauyet: "Damned Omnipotent Entities."
 
[Perry Mason Music begins as camera zooms in on Ray as Ray begins
his presentation again as we Fade Out as you move on to the
next message as your newsreader's heap fills up due to a memory leak...]