From: johnsd2@jec326.its.rpi.edu (Dan Johnson) Subject: Storming the Pearly Gates, Ch 1. Date: 4 Mar 1994 03:26:21 GMT Here is the beginning of the promiced rework. Many, many people contributed to this; it was very much a group effort. Alas, not everyone who deserve to be in will get in; I just couldn't make it all fit. Exactly who that will be isn't set in stone yet, but some deserving people will get short shrift. Also, I do intend to change this stuff based on the input I get about it; I will repost all if there is a point to doing so (and I suspect there will be.) This Chapter is basically a rework of the Post that Started it All. The rest will be new, never fear. Chapter 1 Parting Company [Establishing shot: The Pearly Gates. St. Pete bumming around, looking board. He's watching T.V. Zoom in on the set; a commerical comes that takes Pete's interest..] [On screen: Interior of a Cathedral. A man steps into view] Man: "Tonight, we're secretly replacing the God usually worshiped here with Cthulhu. Can they tell the difference? Let's see..." [A priest stands at one of those podium things.] Priest: "Ph-nglui mglw-nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'naglfhtagn!" [A pause] Parishoner: "Amen!" Man: "There you have it! Cthulhu- weird enough to be worshiped in today's finest cathedrals!" [Screen fades to black] St. Pete: "Hmmm..." [Suddenly, St. Pete's desk explodes into splinters!] Pete: "What?" [And then he notices Stryder standing in front of where his desk used to be] Stryder: "Meet Mr. Chainsaw." Mr. Chainsaw: Pete: "You could have just tapped me on the shoulder." Stryder: "So could Mr. Chainsaw. Do you really want that?" Dan Johnson: "We don't have time for this. Pete, the keys." Pete: "Hey, you can't go in there!" Dan Johnson: "Kress, explain it to him." John Kress: "Certainly." Pete: "No!" John Kress: "You see, Pete, when Dan here.." Dan Johnson: "Don't call me Dan, you!" John Kress: [rolls eyes] "When _JOHNSON_ says 'hand over the gate keys', he really means 'I do not want to use nuclear weapons, because they leave a nasty grimy residue. Therefore, it would help if you'd hand over the gate keys, so I don't have to do it. Please?'" Pete: "Hey.. you don't have nuclear weapons!" Stryder: "Meet Mr. Nuclear Detonator." Mr. Nuclear Detonator: ... Pete: "I don't suppose you'd care to discuss this?" mathew: "Read the FAQ." [offers a copy] [Peter takes the FAQ and flips to the section on nuclear bombs.] Pete: "Oh, c'mon, can't we behave like civilized people?" Jim Hogan: "Woof! Woof!" Dan Johnson: "You forgot to take your pills, didn't you?" Pete: "See! You can't flout God's Will like this! He'll make you forget to take your pills!" Mark McCullough: "There must be an easier way to do this." Geoff Arnold: "No kidding. This guy does not deserve so much time." [Geoff reaches into Peter's robes and pinches the keys] Pete: "Hey!" Dan Johnson: "Thank you. Now then, now then, your attention everyone! Er, well, everyone but you, Mr. Pete." Pete: "Sure." [Scurries off] Dan Johnson: "The time has come to reveal to you our top-secret plan for the conquest of heaven! Please direct your attention to the billboard in the corner" [he points to a large billboard marked 'Top Secret Plan for the Conquest of Heaven'] "Our plan is to knock out the leadership. Our main force will make for the Throne Room, where God the Father will be; a small detachment will find Jesus and off him. Another group will spread out and search for the Holy Ghost, which we have heard is quite illusive. Now here are the groups. Jesus Detachment: Mark McCulloug, Steve Keppel-Jones, and Alan Geist. Holy Ghost Brigade: Ray Ingles, Clark Davis Adams, Bob Beauchaine, Angela Dyer, and Scott Sauyet. Everyone else is on the main force. Got it? Now lets go!" Mark McCullough: "Go where?" mathew: [hands out FAQs] "You'll find everything you need in here." [McCullough flips through the FAQ.] Mark McCullough: "Ah, I found it. In the Atheist Resources FAQ on page 2, it lists Jesus as in 'Heaven- likes to hang out at Guido's Wine and Bread Emporium'. Let's go!" [McCullough, Keppel-Jones, and Alan Geist open the gates and troop off.] Ray Ingles: [flipping through FAQ] "There's nothing in here about the Holy Ghost!" Dan Johnson: "I guess you're on your own. Good luck! Let's go!" [Every but Ingles, Adams, Beauchaine, Dyer and Sauet march off in a blaze of glory.] Clark Adams: "Dangnabit!" [whips out fire extinguisher, puts out blaze] "You guys gotta be more carefull!" [Gingerly, the main force heads into Heaven, leaving only the Holy Ghost Brigade.] Scott Sauyet: "Alright. So now what do we do." Bob Beauchaine: "Easy!" [He whips out a tricorder-like thing] "we'll just use the pain-in-the-ass-o-meter!" [He turns it on, and the top pops off in a shower of sparks!] "Damn! It overloaded!" [He sits down, starts tinkering with it] Scott Sauyet: "Anyone else with an idea?" Ray Ingles: "The Holy Ghost is sometimes represented as a dove in paintings.. can't be a coincidence. Lets catch some doves and interrogate them!" Angela Dyer: "When they speak in tongues.. it must be behind it! Let's go find somebody speaking in tongues!" Ray Ingles: "No, no, I need you to help me interrogate the doves!" Angela Dyer: "Look, first you catch 'em, then we can have our fun, ok?" Ray Ingles: [downtrodden] "Alright..." Scott Sauyet: "It's supposed to be everywhere, guys. We just have to look for it." Clark Davis Adams: "Right! I'll check the suburbs, and leave no good bar unturned!" [He rushes off] Scott Sauyet: [shrugs] "Oh well." [All but Beauchaine rush off in various directions. He keeps tinkering.] [a short time passes. Then a short, skinny, fellow that looks part-Cherokee tiptoes in front of Beauchaine, shushes him, and heads into Heaven. Who could it be? Let's zoom in on his nametag.. ah yes... S.. T.. A.. C.. Y.. P.. R.. O.. W.. E.. L.. L..; How mysterious... how.. sinister...] [Fade to black.]